After months away from writing, I have returned! It's not because I didn’t
want to write, but because I had nothing worth saying. For the last five months I have started each week to write, stared blankly at the screen, typed a
few words, then I would delete them. I had things to say but was at a loss for words. I didn't know how to write or if I should write how I was feeling. Who would care if I didn’t have anything to say. The world
kept spinning, my life kept going...
It started as not wanting to write about loss, lack of direction & feeling like I was just existing. Plus, there was this sense of guilt that I had..how could I feel like this when I have such a wonderful husband, five bright, wonderful children, a home & a supportive extended family & friends? It felt wrong to me. I didn’t want to write just about "anything" because it felt like it would be forced. With everything going on in the world & in my life personally, would I? could I? Have anything worth writing about that would be worth reading? No. It's not like lives would be changed if I
didn’t write or not write....so I didn't.
My issues felt small, unimportant in the whole scheme of things. We have all heard about the perils of the last decade alone that are in store for us—killer bees, earth destroying asteroids, anthrax, mad cow disease, avian flu,
flesh-eating bacteria...the list goes on and on. Let's face it there is so much noise in our lives...We exist in a society of information overload & people are constantly sharing. I enjoy social media & the opportunities it offers me to keep family, friends & schoolmates in my lives, especially since we all get busy. In fact life can be overwhelming & doesn't always allow us the time we wish we had for others. I decided to shut down some of that noise. For my personal sanity, I decided to take a break from the social media groups & took the app off my phone. I couldn't quit email since it is an essential tool for my work & volunteer lives but I limited my time online.
My derailment started with trying to incorporate some beautiful family heirlooms from both my grandparents & my hubby's grandmother while repainting the entire interior of Honeybee Cottage. We had lost my grandpa in 2003 & grandma in 2009 so I thought that I had dealt with my grief. Missing them, sharing & laughing about memories I had of them with my children. Then hubby's grandma passed in 2011. In March 2012 we began receiving her beautiful treasures while I was still in the process of painting. Then a beloved uncle passed in April. Let me say that all four of these beloved, cherished people had lived long, joyful, meaningful lives each were in their late 80's early 90's. So why was this such a hard loss?
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| My Grandma |
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| My Grandparents |
I realized it was because they held such warm, wonderful memories for me. They were people that I always felt were on my side, rooting me on & choosing to see the beauty in life. The loss of hubby's grandma brought back the sadness & loss of my own grandparents, not only for me but for my children. I knew they were lucky to have Great Grandparents in their lives & it was a blessing I didn't want them to lose.
The loss of my uncle hit me harder than I expected. He had always managed to tell me how beautiful I was even when I didn't feel beautiful. He was actually the one who bought me my first lipstick! He encouraged my love of art, sense of adventure & seemed to adore me just because...Don't we all need someone like that in our lives? We didn't see each other once a week or even once a month but we had lunch dates every few months & exchanged cards & notes. I began feeling guilty about not spending more time with him...not telling him enough how much I treasured our talks, his encouragement & the feeling of well being that he always provided me.
As a kid I enjoyed holidays with him, as a teen I saw him rarely. It wasn't until I was married & began to know him as an adult that I truly discovered how amazing this man was. He created beauty in his art, his garden & encouraged my creative life & always spoke to me even as a child as someone who had something to say.
I began wondering am I living up to my potential? Am I creating the "perfect" life. Have I done these people who invested their time, love & encouragement justice? Would I leave a legacy of warm, beautiful memories & feelings to next generation? I also was finding that my position in my children's lives was changing. My family was under going "growing pains" with college age kids, a daughter living out of state for college, a teenage daughter & preteen son. Our lives were actually slowing down...what was I going to do?
Recently, I re-read a card my aunt & uncle sent me reminding me of how proud they were of me, how much they enjoyed my letters, scribbled drawings & pictures of my family. I don't have any doubt it was my aunt who chose the cards, reminded him of the dates & actually put it down in front of him to sign. But my uncle always wrote a brief message with his signature. The message that grabbed my heart was "You have created a beautiful life. Be happy." It was then that I knew my little funk needed to be over. I have created a beautiful life with people who love me, children who are bright, beautiful & who will carry the legacy of these amazing people with them.
Life can be messy ... I have lost another uncle, a friend & although not by death a friendship because of a misunderstanding. It's strange to say that at my age that the loss of each of these people taught me that it was okay to be me. None of them lived a rich, opulent, or excessive lifestyle. They lived full abundance lives, sharing their gifts with others & taking pride what they created. I have been reminded to live simply, find joy in creating a home, my family, my work & to continue to learn as well as recreate, reinvent & enjoy each stage of this life.
Missie
As a proud Marine, he was a veteran of
WWII and Korea. A graduate of the
University of Washington,
Cliff taught 30 years at Ferndale High School and often said it was the
"best job ever." He will be affectionately remembered by many of his
students who he considered part of his extended family.
Cliff's
true passions were sculpture and flying. His sculptures are in
collections across the U.S. and several foreign countries.
Always
a builder, he built his first airplane at an early age from bean poles
and gunny sacks. It flew about 20 feet from the barn roof to the ground
and he had the scars to prove it. Many summers when not teaching, were
spent as a flight instructor and taking advantage of every opportunity
to fly. - See more at:
http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/skagitvalleyherald/obituary.aspx?n=CLIFFORD-MCKEE&pid=156871335#fbLoggedOut
As a proud Marine, he was a veteran of
WWII and Korea. A graduate of the
University of Washington,
Cliff taught 30 years at Ferndale High School and often said it was the
"best job ever." He will be affectionately remembered by many of his
students who he considered part of his extended family.
Cliff's
true passions were sculpture and flying. His sculptures are in
collections across the U.S. and several foreign countries.
Always
a builder, he built his first airplane at an early age from bean poles
and gunny sacks. It flew about 20 feet from the barn roof to the ground
and he had the scars to prove it. Many summers when not teaching, were
spent as a flight instructor and taking advantage of every opportunity
to fly. - See more at:
http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/skagitvalleyherald/obituary.aspx?n=CLIFFORD-MCKEE&pid=156871335#fbLoggedOut
As a proud Marine, he was a veteran of
WWII and Korea. A graduate of the
University of Washington,
Cliff taught 30 years at Ferndale High School and often said it was the
"best job ever." He will be affectionately remembered by many of his
students who he considered part of his extended family.
Cliff's
true passions were sculpture and flying. His sculptures are in
collections across the U.S. and several foreign countries.
Always
a builder, he built his first airplane at an early age from bean poles
and gunny sacks. It flew about 20 feet from the barn roof to the ground
and he had the scars to prove it. Many summers when not teaching, were
spent as a flight instructor and taking advantage of every opportunity
to fly. - See more at:
http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/skagitvalleyherald/obituary.aspx?n=CLIFFORD-MCKEE&pid=156871335#fbLoggedOut
As a proud Marine, he was a veteran of
WWII and Korea. A graduate of the
University of Washington,
Cliff taught 30 years at Ferndale High School and often said it was the
"best job ever." He will be affectionately remembered by many of his
students who he considered part of his extended family.
Cliff's
true passions were sculpture and flying. His sculptures are in
collections across the U.S. and several foreign countries.
Always
a builder, he built his first airplane at an early age from bean poles
and gunny sacks. It flew about 20 feet from the barn roof to the ground
and he had the scars to prove it. Many summers when not teaching, were
spent as a flight instructor and taking advantage of every opportunity
to fly. - See more at:
http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/skagitvalleyherald/obituary.aspx?n=CLIFFORD-MCKEE&pid=156871335#fbLoggedOutI am continuing to work on how to create a life that makes a difference not only within my family but within my local & global community. I have come to the realization that one thing all four of them taught me was that I am okay. It is okay to change. It is okay to reinvent, create & just be.
